I don’t really consider myself a writer, although it is one of my dreams/goals/desires to write a memoir. That is part of the reason I started this blog. Sometimes I feel like a blog needs to tumble out of me, words cartwheeling and backflipping onto the page. I feel a strong urge to write and start composing an entry in my brain before I can get to my computer. Maybe I am more of a writer than I think.
As I was doing laundry and dishes, tending to Baby Incredible, taking out the trash, and putting things away when I got home this evening, I found myself itching to write a blog. As much as I wanted to write, I couldn’t stop the momentum I had gained of feeding cats and baby, washing bottles and gathering spit-up covered clothes to wash. If I kill the momentum of that, it ends…and I can’t really afford for that to happen.
I finally sat down to eat dinner at 8:30, and I wondered where my day had gone, but I guess driving 40+ miles in traffic and teaching a full day will account for many of your hours. I could stay up all night tonight and still not accomplish all of the things I “should” do, like sweep my apartment and grade 60 essays and fold the laundry and clean the bathroom and the cat box and clean my room and do some paperwork for the agency…I have a visit tomorrow from the agency social worker, and I know she doesn’t like it when I have “clutter”, but I am too tired and overwhelmed to really care.
Overwhelmed…that is a word that comes up a lot in my vocabulary lately. I sometimes think that I may be overusing it, and then I step back and take stock and realize that pretty much anyone in my position would be overwhelmed.
Things I have noticed this week:
1) Every time I go to the store, I get home and realize that there was one more item I should have purchased and didn’t.
2) There is a never-ending pile of baby laundry and dirty bottles. Even when I think I’m caught up in the moment, one more bottle or dirty bib or onesie pops up.
3) I forget things…a lot. Things I forgot this morning: my classroom keys and my flash drive with my grade book on it. Things I forgot last night: to take my antibiotics, even though I remembered while I was on the phone with my boyfriend. I forgot by the time we hung up.
4) I am so grateful that I live so close to work that I can make an emergency trip when I forget my flash drive and keys.
5) I have less and less patience for time wasters. (example: A parent who wants to have a meeting because her child won’t do his/her work. The child is capable and has shown that s/he can do the work.)
6) It can be really stressful to have people scrutinizing every little thing you say and do. Students. Parents of students. Social workers. Birth parents. Agency workers. At the end of the day, I’m doing my best, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to hear any complaints or suggestions or criticisms.
7) I am addicted to this baby’s smile. He has the most amazing smile ever, and he uses it a lot. I am in love.
8) My cats miss me. Yes, I am here and they are here, but they get significantly less attention than they used to. When I began fostering, they were kicked out of my bedroom. Last night, Cecily broke into my room, and I found her this morning curled up and nestled right next to me, her body heat the first giveaway that she was there. She didn’t destroy anything or bother anything. She just wanted to sleep next to me.
9) Baby Incredible has quite the fan club. Between my family, my church, and my workplace, he is LOVED something fierce.
10) Mondays used to always be my least favorite day of the week, but now they are my favorite, because they are my only evening at home.
11) I am learning that I don’t like asking for help. I don’t want to bother people. I don’t want to put them in the position of feeling weird about saying “no”. I don’t want to put people out. I don’t want to be “too much”.
12) I have to ask for help because there is no way I could do this on my own. I am doing the job of two people…at least.
13) I miss exercise.
14) I have no idea what the future will bring with Baby Incredible, but I know God has amazing plans and that He is in control. (And by the future I mean like tomorrow and the next day and the next…and also further down the line. Everything is such a mystery, a completely unpredictable mystery.)