Torn

On Sunday I was crying because everything felt like too much. This time around, fostering has been really difficult. It’s not any one thing, really. It’s just all of the circumstances put together. I have been feeling conflicted because I love Baby Incredible so much and really want him to stay, but I’m also in the life space where all of this just seems like way too much. I’ve been praying for God to find him a good place to go so that we can part ways, him on a path to a great life, and me continuing on the path of change that God has planned for me.

This morning, as I got ready for work amidst baby smiles and coos, I began to cry because Baby Incredible maybe leaving me soon. While I feel grateful that God is answering my prayer for Baby Incredible to find a new home, I also feel sad because I’ve taken care of him for over half of his life. Really, I’ve been his mom for over half of his life. He knows me, and responds to my voice and my presence. It’s hard to imagine giving him up, yet I know that this is God’s plan. It has never been the plan for me to keep him.

There are things about him going that make me really happy, like the fact that I will have a five minute commute to work again rather than an hour, and that I’ll be able to hang out with my friends without worrying about babysitting or what is best for Baby Incredible in that moment. I also won’t have to go on first visit or have social workers show up at my house or have any other of a variety of appointments to take to, where everyone seems to think that they know what is best for him, even though they don’t really know him.

There also so many things that I will miss about him. It is such a joy to be his mom, to love him and care for him, see all of his smiles, and have him fall asleep on me. He has grown so much since I first got him, and I will miss seeing all of his little milestones reached.

I hope that the family will stay in touch with me, and at least some pictures and updates every once in a while. You never know how they will respond, being that for many people it is a difficult time to remember, that their child was taken away from them. I am grateful that I get to pray for him and know that God will be taking care of him and guiding his path.

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2 thoughts on “Torn

  1. Demaris Bruce

    O, sweet girl, you make me cry for you – not sadness but inexplicable joy that you are allowing yourself to experience this fully and follow God’s guidance. Imagine a world where we all allowed God to use us in such a way! Thank you, Bless you and may God continue to keep you in His sheltering, loving, all-Powerful embrace.

    Reply
  2. Sam Steale

    Awww, at least you know you’ve been there for him and that you have been an important part of his life. Thats the hardest thing about fostering children. A number of my foster children regularly keep in touch with me to let me know how they are getting on which is lovely. Luckily, Blue Sky Fostering http://www.blueskyfostering.co.uk gave me so much support. Time will pass and you will be happy that you were there for him when he needed it most.

    Reply

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