Tomorrow marks my 7th week as foster mom to little dude AND one month with my amazing boyfriend. When dates coincide like that, it makes me love and appreciate how much attention God pays to detail. The Bible says God knows how many hairs we have on our heads (Luke 12:7), but somehow I can dismiss that and not really focus on what it actually means. He loves me so much that He cares about every little detail of the story He has written for me. God doesn’t get tired of writing partway through or get too busy with the stories He is writing for others. To me, it feels as if the only story He is paying attention to is my own. While that feeling is amazing, it can also make me a little uncomfortable.
A few days ago, a friend asked me what I’ve been learning since becoming a foster mom. One of the many things I’ve been learning is that I’m not used to being happy. God has given me so many blessings in such a short time. Not only do I get to be a foster mom, I get to be a foster mom to a tiny preemie baby that I got to pick up from the hospital. On top of that, God blesses me with an amazing boyfriend who is a godly man, who loves me, who takes care of me, who leads our relationship and who is in full support of me being a foster mom, so much so that he wants to hold the baby and feed the baby and carry the diaper bag and car seat. I feel like I don’t really know what to do with it all. Sometimes I even feel like I’m “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” I’m so happy and so grateful for all that God is doing in my life, yet I also feel anxiety and disbelief. I can easily begin to question God, as if I’m asking God, “Are you sure? Do you really want to bless me with all of this right now?” I begin to feel like I don’t deserve any of it, which I don’t. It is all a pure gift from God because He loves me, and I need to learn to accept it all, to take it all in, and to be grateful for it. (Matthew 7:9-11)
Thus far in my life, I have not been practiced at being happy. I didn’t have a “bad childhood”. I had loving parents who stayed together and are still married to this day. They were involved with our schooling and extracurricular activities. The thing that has made life challenging is that I grew up with social anxiety disorder, although I didn’t realize that’s what it was until I was finally diagnosed when I was in my early twenties. It was extremely difficult for me to make friends, terrifying for me to speak up in class or initiate a conversation, and paralyzing to be in large crowds or at parties. Put simply, everything always seemed harder for me than it was for the people around me, so much of the time I wasn’t happy because I was comparing myself to the people around me.
Today I was reminded of “The Desert Song”, which says: “I know I’m filled to be emptied again. The seed I’ve received I will sow.” I am being “filled” so that I can give to others. I know I won’t always be in a time of harvest, but I am learning to be happy and to enjoy it.