Being that I have an anxiety disorder, uncertainty has never been easy for me. I love routines, and boundaries, and rules. I am a schedule kind of person. I want to know what to expect. It helps me to feel safe. It helps me to have a sense of peace.
Over the past four years, God has been challenging me on this. He has been teaching me that I need to get my security from Him and not from any plan I make or rules I follow. He has done this by giving me much uncertainty in my life so that I will have to rely on Him…because there is no other way.
Every year for the past four years, I have been in danger of losing my job due to budget cuts. This meant that I lived in the unknown for an average of 3 months each year, waiting to hear if I would get to keep my job or not. In the past nine years, I have lived in nine different places, moving an average of once a year, but sometimes moving multiple times in one year. Some of these moves were by choice but most were by necessity. Talk about attacking two of the things that make a person feel the most secure: a place to live and a job. Wow. Those two areas of life alone were enough to keep me busy trying to rely on God and not on my own perceived control through planning and scheduling and rules.
Now I see that God has been preparing me to become a foster mom. The only thing certain about being a foster parent is that it is uncertain. It is uncertain how much time you will have with each baby, so much so that sometimes you don’t even know until the day of that the baby in your care will be moving. It is uncertain who the baby will go to live with next. Even in the certainty, it is uncertain. Most of the time new decisions on where and when a baby will go aren’t made until the next court date. You learn to ignore phrases that begin with “most of the time” because they don’t really mean anything. There are ALWAYS exceptions.
So, my challenge right now as I wait to hear what decisions will be made about my first foster baby, I try not to wait. I try to enjoy every moment I have. I try to think of him as my baby while I have him because he needs that yet prepare myself for the sadness I will undeniably feel when he is moved to a new home. I pray to God for security and peace. I ask my friends to pray for that for me as well. And I do feel those prayers. There is so much more peace than should ever be possible.